Hitting My Wall

I thought I would cross share a blog that Ive been posting on for years. my original blog about weight loss. it has since tranformed. I not longer focus on a number, rather Im doing all of the things i consciously want for my daughter in her own health and outlook on her body. I am focusing on fitness. I have turned away the scale, I have resisted the urge to weigh in. I know my starting point and from there im just moving and eating to live, not living to eat. there are No negative comments, no self deprecation. I am appreciating every inch of this body and what its strength has done, and only working to make it stronger, healthier.


i am basically solely responsible for how my baby girl sees her body, my body and just women’s bodies in general and I will NOT let her down or set her up for failure.

so if you are on that journey too, feel free to follow it here! im candid on that one and dont filter my launguage as much, and there are some unflattering photos. you are warned!






I realized that I have written posts about Motherhood. but theres a whole other side to my daily learning and growing, and thats in Wifery. IT is a huge part of who I am currently, because I do it every day. I put a lot of energy and love into this part of my life. and It has accentuated my happiness on so many levels. This is my wonderful husband.


We met at work years and years ago. But until we spent time together outside of work, we had no idea what we were missing. We went out on our first date to a chinese restaurant. I remember having such little experience with a gentleman that I assumed we’d meet at the restaurant he had picked out. I remember his message clearly. “It’s a date, I’m picking you up silly.”

Jamie   (Gosh he is SO handome.)

When he picked me up at 7 we headed down and it was a little awkward at first, but immediately we jumped into great conversation which took on immense depth as the night went on. I was on cloud 9 as we talked through our dinner and realized I didnt want it to end! He didnt either and I remember being so skeptical of him asking me back to his apartment to “check out a dvd he thought i’d like” but I went, fully prepared to shoot down an advance if it came to it. But it didnt. We just talked all night long and watched music videos all night. ALL NIGHT. it was 7am and I realized “I dont have my car or clothes for work!” he drove me home, and we were very excited for the dates to follow.


(yeah these photos are in no way in choronological order)

Fast forward to November 15th 2007:  His birthday and our move in date to our first place together.

December 2008 and we are elated to introduce our wonderful Son.

in 2010 things were a little rough. We hit a patch that I am proud of, and we separated, another thing I dont regret. We fully prepared ourselves to go our separate ways. I moved 45 minutes north, we shared exactly 50% with our son, and honestly, I couldnt handle being away from either of them. I would stay often at his house he shared with my brother. And while we tried to move on and accept our current status, nothing worked out that way. 11 months after we separated we were back together. And we had learned so much it was as if we were able to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally. he tells me “I’m so lucky to have back The One That Got Away. not many people can say that.” and he was right. we grew in that time, and we often tell people we dont regret it. we missed out on 11 months of memories, but the things we learned about how each other works in our lives wa priceless and something many married couples dont get to experience. Im forever grateful for it, as well as for the friendships and even the relationships we tried to get into during that time.

When we reunited we were better than ever, appreciated privacy and lowkey family time. We stopped committing so much to the public and really committed ourselves to each other, our family, and our future. We didnt cut ties or anything, just realized that sometimes life in the public eye isnt all its cracked up to be, and in many ways we had been.

In May 2011 we learned of our daughter growing inside and we welcomed her in February 2012. Her arrival, wrought with minor medical concerns brought a very challenging first year full of learning. learning compassion, patience, unconditional love and understanding and we grew this INCREDIBLE respect for each other.


In Feb. 2013 we got ourselves a puppy. Anyone who has ever had a high energy puppy knows what that entails. but shes sweet and loves our family and we love her.

Recently he took a new job in a new industry. a scary change we hope to be fruitful. But that process just added to our relationship.

We have faith. We look at struggle and think “we can get through it. we have our rock.”

We can get through these hard times. We work together. Love together. We give together. We live together. We hope together. We dream together.


People have asked me a few times how we made it work, especially after separating for so long and even goign as far as to date other people in that time. How did we not only survive the distance but thrive after it?

nottogether       (Right before we came back together :])

I can only say that there are a couple of things I identify to our continued success.

1. When you have been without something that you love, and you happen upon getting it back, you can remember what its like without them, and you dont want that ever again. We know that our relationship is not immortal. It is not unbreakable. It is human in its form.

We are Human. and we know that humans fail. humans fall. and we try to protect that love.

parents2  (taken during our separation)

2. Every day, wewake up and consciously choose the other person. We dont go looking for somethign else. we dont envy others. we choose each other. we say, this person is my partner. my confidante. my best friend. We hold the same values and priorities. We have this amazing family that deserves us. and right now, we deserve each other. yet the best part comes in #3.

3: Each of us thinks we dont deserve the other.

We discovered this yesterday when I sent him a message explaining how appreciative I was of him working through this tough time at work and then coming home every day and giving me a big hug and a kiss, and the dinners he cooks. and the times when he draws me bubble baths with construction paper rose petals he cuts with my son, and candles and wine and a new cd. Times when he finds music he thinks i will like. nearly every morning when he makes coffee for me knowing ill be up within an hour of his departure. the time every day where he takes on the role of full on daddy so i can go to the gym early right after he gets off work. The times he tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, and remembers to hold my heart.  as I explained this i tell him how thankful i am and how i feel that I am not able to fully repay him for it or be as amazing as he. he replies that he feels the same about me! about my Teaching our children and staying home with them while trying to continue my own education. HE thanks me for bringing home a new beer i think he will love (he is somewhat of a beer snob :]) or for writing notes for him in the morning to find before work. of sweet messages at work and for taking on a part time job to make a little extra money for our home. He says he appreciates the budgeting I do to ensure our bills are paid, money is saved for the impending rainy days, for quieting his worries with a slurry of “it will be okay. we will not fail”s. He thanks me for my support and reenforcing while he works and for any dates I can muster to get time for us.

We value each other and put specific and focused work on showing appreciation for those things that the other does so these things dont go unnoticed.

Print11   (5 year anniversary. I just had surgery to remove a uterine tumor, & he took me to fondue. :])

I dont mean to say that every couple who believes their relationship is iron clad and will last forever are naive, but for us, having seen what we have seen, we believe that it would be unfair of us to say that our relationship WILL last forever as if it is fact and not something we will work and walk towards. we believe that we must work for it every day and choose it everyday, to work TOWARDS it lasting forever. We compare the good relationship we had before our separation to the amazing and strong relatonship we have now. and we dont want it to go back to just “good”. we WANT this to last forever. and we know that takes us consciously working, choosing and walking to keep it where it is right now going forward. Today it has lasted today. tomorrow it will last tomorrow and at the end of Forever, I hope to be holding his hand and saying “we made it to Forever.”

rock     (The photo above taken directly after our engagement. )

Im just lucky to have him. and I hope to always be learnign how to do this Wifery thing better. We are so so fortunate, so blessed, so lucky, so everything to have what we have after having what we had. I am just so glad I get to be the Wife to his Husband yknow?


Its perfect the way it is.

This one is a hard one to write because as the mum it is wrought with emotion, hormones and love that feels like it wasnt perfect. But i need to remember that it is.

You see, blogosphere, I have stopped pumping.

Now before I continue I want to explain that I am currently studying to be a lactation consultant (as well as interpreter if you get confused down the line) and nursing is very important to me. I was rather uneducated with Sun, and just didnt know what I was doing. I didnt really have the knowledge as to WHY nursing is important, I just knew it was nutritious. I didnt have that emotional connection with nursing where I stared lovingly in my baby’s eyes and felt this surge of love with the act.i LOVE my babies feircely, dont be mistaken, but I didnt have that crazy powerful connection to the act of nursing. I also didnt know anything about how to maintain it, make it work, overcome obstacles. I just let all of the “booby traps” fall into my way and we stopped nursing at 11 months, after nursing with supplementation for about 6 months. honestly, I can identify that of this “sabotaged” (if i want to be dramatic) nursing relationship, I did it alllll to myself. because I had no idea. Once I learned more, I vowed that for Moon I would be better, and I was EXCITED about nursing.

When Sun was born he had a tongue tie, a minor oral anomaly in about 4% of children that prevented him from sticking his tongue out, which created painful and ineffective nursing. The naive new mother in me who was in love with my baby the way he was was resistant to change and i tolerated pain and dysfunction for 3 months before having his tongue released. Knowing that it is a hereditary trait, I told myself not to be so silly the next time. I would have the lactation consultant in right away to check for tongue tie.

I did. She had it. I released it within 24 hours.

But for reasons that Ill never know 100%, Moon still couldnt nurse. It ended up being very uncomfortable for her.

We found out later a couple things,

1. She had severe reflux for months undiagnosed. this may have caused her pain when laying down due to the acid rising, and laying in a nursing position may have hurt her.

2. she had a severe lip tie that wasnt diagnosed until her 1st birthday when her teeth had settled and we could see. we found out later that babies with a severe Posterior Tongue Tie often have Lip Tie. 😦

3. when we released her tongue tie she never learned to correctly suck to extract, using her “new tongue” (she had been practicing in utero with a different version of her tongue. By using other methods including specialty bottles (we used over 25 different bottles over 6 month period), she may have gotten the dreaded “nipple preference.”

this combination led to  me exclusively pumping after 6 months of trying desperately to get her to nurse. I think I have a photo of every single time she nursed, it was so infrequent.

In the beginning, when she was brand new, I was pumping every 90 minutes – 2 hours round the clock, setting alarms at night to pump and offer her the breast or feeding her with a spoon, or a small cup, or a syringe, or a tube attached to my finger. I tried everything that myself, my community and my lactation consultant could suggest and nothing helped.

Had Moon and I had a successful nursing relationship, I would have nursed for over 2 years. I wanted that, I planned for it, I hoped for it. So the idea that I was stopping pumping was hard.It was all me. I KNEW how important her milk is. I know what breastmilk does. I know that it is irreplacable, unable to be reproduced, perfect in every single way specific to her body, and the benefits for me were there as well. I battled for MONTHS going back and forth on when I would stop. Nobody can imagine how hard pumping so frequently and so long can be. despite being able to cut my sessions down in frequency, I had to up the length and would pump for at least an hour each time (I can offer assistance and support if you need advice spefici to your situation, what I did is not for everyone, and some bodies require different needs to maintain supply etc)

When I finally decided to stop, I had absolutely NO idea how hard it would be hormonally and mentally and emotionally. I cried every day. I felt like i failed her. I felt like she failed me, if im honest. I wanted to nurse her and she didnt want me! She wouldnt/couldnt nurse and it felt personal. I felt like I was giving up and not putting value on it. How could I help mothers if I gave up this great thing? I should have been able to pump for over 2 years…giving her what I committed!

I had a great support system. So many that accomodated my pumping schedule, even when they didnt understand why i “didnt just give up and go to formula..its much easier.” others embraced the fact that I was giving her my milk, KNEW its importance but would say things like “no one will fault you if you stop now…youve done amazing.”

I didnt reach my goals this time. I hope I have another chance with a third in the future. But i didnt fail her. She had 100% breastmilk for over a year, even when she couldnt nurse it out herself. I nursed longer than with Sun, and I didnt have to supplement any formula, my body nourished a baby without the baby there. my body recognized its baby needed our milk. My body responded when i told it that it wasnt making enough, when i ate to encourage more supply, when I worked for it. My body fed my baby.

Holy crap.

my breasts still NoURiShED my baby.

and man she is happy and healthy exactly where she is. I have transitioned her slowly to goats milk and organic cows milk, sometimes nut milk,

I have worked hard, and while it wasnt perfect to my plan, it was perfect for the reality.

I do not regret a single pumping. a single sleepless night. a single engorged breast. a single fenugreek capsule. a single anything.It was HARD but it was WORTH it. and if anything, this will be amazing for future mothers to have someone to relate to.

I ask from you this.

when you see someone nursing, please never tell them they should pump at home ad bottle feed. It can damage the relationship if done early on, and we need to encourage another. a nursing mother is a mother who is physically doing whatever she can to nourish her baby in the most nutritional way and we shouldnt discount that or make her feel uncomfortable for it. in a few minutes it will end, and all will go back to normal. pumping sucks (pun intended) and we really need to encourage each other.





here is some snippets of a conversation i had with my parenting guru friend this morn after a VERY rough morning with two littles. 

“So Sun and i spend the last 12 minutes fighting with each other (as we get ready for a walk). I yell. He tells me (in tears) that i hurt his feelings. And he cries and cries. Then i nearly cry. 
Because im holding him to the standard of an ADULT. A fully able, functioning, capable, already raised adult. “Dont touch that” “why arent you listening?” “I need you to put these clothes on” “why are you still naked?!” “Its NOT time to play its time to get ready!” “I told you 8x this morning not to touch your painted birdies or the eyes will fall off.” “i TOLD you the eyes would fall off. listen Sun!” “Sunnnnnn!!” All these things. And more. And im angry. Because he isnt thinking like the adult that he isnt. 
So i spend 4 minutes apologizing. He apologizes.i put Littlest down to sleep. I put off the walk to let everyone recover and relax. Sun starts beeping loudly.”beeeeeep! Beep! Eeeeeep. Peeeeeeeeoooooo! Beeep!”. Littlest wakes. “Hes three. He is three. Hes three.” Thats my mantra today. He is THREE. Not “almost four” not “smarter than his age.” He is 3…..He deserves to be three! This walk wasnt his idea. I was kinda bribing him (i knew hed be happy once we were out the door but lets be honest, why would he be 100% wanting to listen if in the moment he didnt wanna go?).

He woke early. He was excited about his angry birds painting we did last night with googly eyes. (the only parenting win in this whole post btw). He hates clothes. He likes to beep.

He.is.three. and im trying to do everything but be three.”

“They are so forgiving. I wish i could be like that. Every time i say im sorry and i hold him i get hug and kiss. And he just wants to play angry birds.”


so we arent out. we stayed in. we can walk in a little bit. when i can act like an adult with a 3 year old. 

everyone needs a time out and a break nowadays. 

sometimes even Mummas.



i NEED to let him be three. 

HE NEEDS to be three. 

i can not take that from him. 


he only gets 3 for 2 more months and then its gone forever and 4 comes along. 



im sorry Sonshine 😦

Mahmee will do better next time.


bad piggies and wiggling

So…mommy lesson of the day from my Sonshine. 
We’re playing, bonding, spending mama/son time togetther. We’re playing bad piggies and he is a BALL of ENERGY. Squirming. Sitting. Moving. Stopping. Hands all over, butt wiggling, legs restless, tapping, at one point he punched me out of emotions he could not explain but i assume was excitement. He is flailing, and knee jumping, and shifting his weight to each side. Consistently. Incessantly. Just all over the bed. I ask him “baby can you please stop moving so we can play together?” He says “but mahmee im just doing what my body tells me to do.” Schooled. By a toddler. In parenting. So i gave in. And i wiggled too. Why should he have to stop just because its annoying?



Im essentially asking my son to stop being three. 

and thats just not fair 😦


its moments like these that i realize im responsible for his little soul. 


Because we are still learning :]

There are some defining moments in your life that happen on a regular basis that will influence your actions, behaviors and views.

some as simple as “these jeans really DO make me look fat.”

some as heavy as “this relationship really ISNT working.”

when it comes to parenting and marriage, there is a serious learning curve. and every now and then you have moments that redefine how you do things.

Parents, and friends of parents, assume that the day you become a parent, you have it figured out. You know how you will love, discipline, raise, teach and nurture these littles.

But thats a complete crock.

As of this post, I have been a mother for 1396 days (or 3 years, 9 months, 27 days. or 120,614,400 seconds. how about 2,010,240 minutes? or even 33,504 hours. or if youre feeling crazy: 199 weeks (rounded down).

I look back on that day, the greatest day of my life, and I smile. I knew how to love, which was my prerequisite for parenting, but most of those things I THOUGHT I would do as a parent, have completely changed.

Ive been the wife of the love of my life for 1864 days . okay, okay, i’ll spare you the rest and just say its been 5 years as of last month.

Its assumed you know how to parent when you have a baby. In reality, all you know then, or THINK you know, is how to CARE for a baby. the real parenting starts when they need MORE.

Its also assumed the moment you get married, you know how to be a good spouse, or that you SHOULD know. anything less is looked down upon and rarely discussed. but the same rule applies. You learn as you go. and sometimes it is an eye opening experience.

soooo, in an effort to learn how to parent and do marriage better, we are jotting down our epiphanies!

those who agree, those who disagree, those who disagree to agree and those who agree to disagree. all are welcome. our children are different. but in the end, we are all learning, and these are just our lessons. 🙂

Im Rachel.


mother of 2.

lover of 1.

maker of many mistakes.

but more about that later 🙂

Bloggy Birth!

Im going to have a lot of thoughts.



I hope you like them. Or at least dont hate me for them 🙂

Im passionate about a couple things:


My faith (but i plan on keeping that vague when present, so that we may all feel part of the same family..which we are!)

My husband (he is WONDERFUL) and my children (Jude and Narae, i may sometimes just refer to them as their ages…usually when Im frustrated and need to remember that they are how old they are 🙂

Philanthropy (it sounds like such a douchy word for saying “doing good things” but thats allright).

Coffee: yeah you might hear about this one a lot.

and some other things Im sure youll be able to tell im passionate about.